Harry Potter….as I see it

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Outside the storm hammered the little house mercilessly,shaking shingles from it’s roof. Harry, safe within his cubby hole under the living room stairs, didn’t fear the onslaught outside as much as he feared the people inside for his Aunt and Uncle,the Dursleys, were horrible people. Just the fact that they lived in comfort while he occupied a crawlspace under a flight of stairs spoke volumes to this. His life was a series of long days spent over chores that never seemed to end while the Dursleys sat around getting fatter and fatter at his expense. The nights were a respite filled with reading and the comfort of not being yelled at and worked to the bone.    
As he sat listening to the rain and wind he heard what he thought to be the sound of an engine droning in the distance coming closer as the seconds ticked off. It sounded like a small engine, possibly that of a motorcycle with it’s sound distorted in the howl of the wind. It came closer, ever closer as Harry waited under the stairs. The sound abruptly stopped leaving only the storm noises audible as the time slowly passed. After what seemed like an eternity, the door exploded inward on it’s hinges obviously pushed by some great force letting in the wind to stir up anything not tied down!    
A great shadow lingered in the doorway peering in and surveying the room. By this time the Dursleys had come from upstairs to see what all the noise was about and to certainly blame it on Harry! They almost fell over in a heap, the Aunt and fat Uncle as well as the portly cousin. It stepped into the room and turned toward Harry regarding him with a look of familiarity and revealing itself as not a monster but a giant man with a great beard.    
“Ello ‘Arry my name is Hagrid and I’ve come to see YOU!” He said. He looked at the uncle. “Who is this fat fuck? And that woman over there looks like she was slapped by an ugly stick.” He turned back to Harry as the Dursleys gaped, unable to speak. “I came to get you after our messages from Hogwart’s went unanswered. I figured that they’d been burned or used to wipe somebody’s fat ass or something. Well, pack yer shit, we have a long journey ahead and the weather sucks a dragon’s cock.”    
“Hey wait! What is going on? Why are we leaving.” Harry asked bewildered. Hagrid scratched his beard and began to explain. “Harry, you were meant to do something else with your life and I’m here to take you to that something. Harry, your a…..    
“A what! A pirate? With the way your speaking that must be it! Tell me that I’m not gonna be a bloody fucking PIRATE! A lawyer a banker but not some fuck with a parrot shitting on his shoulder! I’d rather fuck my fat cousin than wear an eye patch and make some asshole walk the fucking plank!”    
“No, no,no Harry it’s about MAGIC! Magic and stuff like that there ya know! Harry yer gonna be a…” Harry jumped up! “A wizard! I’m going to be a wizard right?” Hagrid sat down trying to produce an explanation. “Ummmm, not exactly! You see there’s a porno bookstore out behind Hogwart’s and the guy who runs it got beaten with a dildo and shot to death and they need someone to take over and mop the jizz outta the jerk booths…..    

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