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Noah Fucking Way

40 Days and 40 Go Fuck Yourselves

Many great articles have been written over the years ripping apart the silliness of the Noah’s Ark fairytale. Most of them destroy the tale by demonstrating the impossibility of Noah’s alleged task from a physical and technical perspective, like the Square-Cube Law, which proves that the ark (even if it ever were built) could not have functioned as the bible claims. While these complex explanations clearly debunk the story and stand on their own, I have decided to focus on a far more basic argument.

Setting the Bar

What would you say if I told you that from now on Microsoft is going to package all of its software on floppy disks again instead of CDs? Add to that, all of their products will be boxed and sold on retail shelves only. Internet download will no longer be allowed. Moreover, all retail products will be distributed via paddle boats across all bodies of water and by horse and carriage across all bodies of land. Large-scale ships, trucks, and air transport are verboten.

As an outsider you know absolutely nothing about the inner workings of their business and haven’t a clue what happens behind their closed proprietary doors. You’re just a mere mortal. Their ways are higher than yours and their motives are not to be questioned.

The fuck?

Only an Idiot Would Deny the Obvious

As long as we have the intellect (which, in this case, is nothing more than simple common sense) and the ability to streamline tasks and make them more efficient and timely, we will. Anything less just wouldn’t make sense now, would it? And as mankind’s intellect and abilities are infinitesimal when compared to that of its alleged magnificent creator, it becomes incomprehensible that such a god would resort to anything less.

The Claim

According to moronic bible lore, god created THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING IN IT in a mere six days (which Evangelical Christians believe to be six literal 24-hour days) by a mere act of his will. Just to be clear about this, we’re talking about every speck of matter, living and inanimate, not just on this planet but also on all of the planets and systems in the entire universe.

The scope of this massive creation effort is completely and thoroughly incomprehensible to man, but suffice it to say that it would have been one amazing feat.

Accepting the incomprehensible enormity and complexity of the act (to the extent that a mere mortal can) is essential to understanding the silliness of the Noah’s Ark fairytale.

A Stipulation

Okay, for sake of the argument, let’s assume that the story is true and correct and that god did create everything in the entire universe in a mere 144 hours. Without recounting why his once perfect creation went bad (why is not relevant), god decided to wipe the slate clean and try again. Well, apparently not the entire slate.

God certainly didn’t need to recreate the entire universe. That would have been silly and far too inefficient for such an all-powerful and all-knowing being. Even I wouldn’t have done that, and I can’t imagine that you would have either. He didn’t even need to recreate the entire planet. That would have been enormously inefficient and total overkill as well.

There was no need to recreate the trees and the flowers, the mountains and the valleys, the rivers and the oceans (of course), and everything else on land and in the sea. All god had to do was essentially get rid of all the people inhabiting the earth (just his human creations except for Noah and his family) and replace them via procreation on their own accord. The rest was a matter of of mass-genocide. Everything else was to remain intact albeit a bit soggy for a short while.

Whatever the world population was at the time, it would have been a piece of cake for such an all-powerful being to eradicate all of them with a single wink of his eye. BOOYAH! You is all gone. (Anyone remember the tenth plague in Exodus?)

Remember, god created everything in the entire universe in only 144 hours. Getting rid of such a trifling speck of his creation could have and should have been another simple act of his almighty will. But instead, when all he wanted to do was get rid of just the people on this teeny tiny planet in the vastness of all that he created, he certainly took his time and resorted to illogical crudity for such a relatively simple task – which makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE for an omnipotent being.

There’s not a single shred of biblical evidence that states or even suggests that any part of the story was a test of faith for Noah and his family. And even if it was a test of faith, the entire story still doesn’t hold water [pun intended] because pieces of the story are in logical conflict with such a motive. (More about this in a bit.)

According to bible lore and my reliable contacts, Noah lived to be about 900 years old. He was born around 1056 (or 2894 BC) and the flood took place sometime in 1656 (or 2294 BC), which by computation was in the 600th year of Noah’s life. Add to this nonsense the fact that it took 120 years to build the ark. (Yup.)

Only an idiot wouldn’t see the glaring inefficiency of god’s plan.

Why the Story is Patently False

On the grand scale of common sense, logic, and good judgment, the almighty couldn’t have been any more off his mark.

It would have made much more sense for this all-powerful being to just snap his fingers and make all of the people just go bye-bye, and then let Noah and his family start their little inbred fuck-fest. And even if god were to go with the ridiculous barge/flood idea, he could have just created the ark for Noah and then proceed with the drowning party.

But wait. We’re not done just yet.

I find it interesting that while god launched such an unreasonably and unnecessarily long project (with regard to the building of the ark), he decided to introduce, seemingly out of nowhere, a smidgen of courteous efficiency. (Aw, how nice.)

To save Noah the pain in the ass effort of having to circumnavigate the globe and then trek across every continent to gather all those critters, god brought all of the animals to the ark. What a brilliant time-saving shortcut. I mean, it’s not like Noah had plenty of time to do all this all on his own. He only lived to be 900.

And know that the same sudden and inconsistent act of efficiency was seen when the floods subsided. Apparently god took care of getting all of the animals back to their respective continents and ensured that they (and several generations of their offspring) survived long enough to repopulate the entire animal kingdom. This is thoroughly consistent with the almighty’s duality of efficiency and proves that the building of the ark and all that followed wasn’t a test of Noah’s faith. Bringing the animals to the ark and then back to their respective homes would be like letting marathon runners take a taxi through the toughest parts of the race.

Other Red Flags

Since we’re on this topic, I wonder what all those lions and tigers and bears ate while all of their natural prey were repopulating? Remember, only two of each kind survived the flood, and the earth is a pretty big place you know. How could only one pair reproduce fast enough to not only repopulate the earth, but also to feed their predators? Did all of the carnivores turn vegan for all those years? Perhaps god turbo-charged their physiology so as to accelerate their procreation capabilities.

Many Christians try to argue that lions, for example, weren’t carnivores back then. Of course, those powerful jaws and long, sharp teeth must have evolved sometime after they became meat eaters. But wait, I thought evolution was a farce? Perhaps their all-knowing creator knew they would eventually become carnivores and gave lions and tigers and bears those necessary meat-eating features so that they’d be well-equipped when the time came. Seems logical.

Christians also have to account for that unilateral “two of every kind” mandate, so they must argue that all of the dinosaur varieties were on the ark – all babies, for obvious reasons. Only problem is, T. Rex and at least a few of his buddies would still be here today if any of this patent nonsense were true. It stands to reason that we should have at least a few of these ancient creatures still roaming the planet today – cryptozoological delusions notwithstanding. Those two lions and tigers and bears are still here, yet all we find of these prehistoric land-dwelling giants today are their fossilized bones. And of course let’s not forget about the unicorns.

Furthermore, Christian apologists argue that it was the flood that killed the dinosaurs, but this leaves yet another whopper of a problem. Why is it that all we find are dinosour (and a few other small ancient mammal) remains in those fossil layers? Why haven’t we found any goats, sheep, horses, pigs or dogs? If dinosaurs roamed the earth with man and all of those “kinds” that made it onto the ark, we should find many of them in the fossil layer as well.

On another semi-related long-debated note, if everyone but Noah’s family was killed during the flood, how the hell did we get all of the current races of people inhabiting the planet today? It’s not like all of these races evolved from Noah’s family gene pool, right?

Look, if you kept breeding Chihuahuas with Chihuahuas, you’d still get Chihuahuas – not Great Danes. If you kept breeding Noah’s family, you’d get people who look like Noah’s family – not Ho Chi Minh’s family. Likewise, if you cross bred a Chihuahua with Great Dane, you’d get a unique mix of genetics no different than if an Asian person and an African person had a child together. The Ibizan and Pharaoh hound breeds have remained the same for 5000 years, just as our five basic human races have.

All human variations are a direct result of interracial breeding. Many Christian apologists argue that what appear to be multiple human races is really just one, and that all of our variations come from 5000 years of exposure to the sun. Yes, exposure to the sun quite obviously influenced the staggering average height differential between the Dutch and Japanese, as well as the average weight/mass differential between the Japanese and Pacific Islanders (like Samoans).

These apologists argue that our five races are based on depth of skin color: darkest at the equator, getting lighter as you move away (north or south), and the getting dark again as you get to the areas of “midnight sun.” Okie dokie. Well, I suppose they need to manufacture some sort of explanation no matter how asinine it sounds.

Yes, it’s quite clear from all of the faces and body types around the world that everyone is indeed a direct descendant of Noah and his family. Yup. No doubt about it.

Timing is Everything

Now let’s go back to god’s abortively bad time and resource management skills.

Noah took 120 years to build the ark, plus there was the unknown timeframe that god needed to bring the animals to the ark, plus another 40 days and 40 nights for the flood (actually, they were on the ark for about a year), and then two other unknown periods of time for the waters to recede and to get all of the animals back to their respective continents. But even if these unknown periods were instantaneous (unlikely, as that would be so thoroughly insane considering the crudity of the rest of the project), the entire event would have taken at least 121 years, plus several generations to repopulate the earth with humans, animals, and vegetation.

Ultimately, the act was wholly inefficient and thoroughly inconsistent with the knowledge, power and perfection of this allegedly Supreme Being even without his precedent six-day creation feat. But for sake of the argument, even if god had a sound reason for placing the burden upon man, this story is still marred with an abortively crazy mix of efficient and inefficient acts.

If no sane, prudent, fallible human would conduct business in this manner, then neither would his all-powerful, all-knowing creator.

Well Aren’t You Special?

When bitch-slapped with all of the aforementioned, your average idiot Christian will invariably cling to a special pleading in a pathetic attempt to sidestep logic and physics (in the face of the Square-Cube Law, for example). These idiots can’t be reasoned with. But just for fun, if such a pleading is invoked (e.g. god suspended the laws of physics to stabilize and protect a wooden barge of such enormous proportions from destruction), ask them why the pleading is necessary in the first place. If god intervened and temporarily suspended the laws of physics or magically brought all of the animals to the ark, then why didn’t he just use some of that magic to make all those people go away with a plague or a nod of his head? I mean, the fucker fucking SPOKE shit into existence. Let there be light, jackass.


Finding Noah: Of Artifacts and Hoaxes

On a final and semi-related note, several nutcase Christian wackos in recent years have claimed to have found the remains of Noah’s ark. Sadly, none of them ever provided any concrete proof to that end. But Christians won’t allow that little problem to rain on their parade.

If the ark did land on Mount Ararat as the bible claims (even so many years ago), there should still be some trace of it somewhere on the mountain given its alleged enormous size. Sure, Ararat is huge, but mankind has been searching for the ark for generations and generations. Surely some conclusive artifacts would have surfaced by now. It’s not like the ark could possibly (and reasonably) be buried in a hole or hidden in a cave – again, not given its alleged size.

Click here to read the official textbook Christian excuse for not finding the ark.

Anyway, this is how it works. If the ark were to be found, Christians would claim it to be absolute proof that their god exists. However, if the bones of Jesus were found (thus disproving the resurrection and ascension), then it would be either (a) a hoax perpetrated by atheists, (b) a hoax perpetrated by Satan, or (c) a hoax perpetrated by Satan through atheists. To your average Christian, hoaxes are a one-way street. No credence is given to the possibility that some religiously deluded guy (with low self-esteem and the need for self- validation) heard a voice in his head telling him to build a really big boat.


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