Heaven is for real!


Heaven is for Real, Heaven can Wait, All Dogs go to Heaven…..There are so many Heaven stories relayed by people who have had one foot in the grave and were mackin’ on the good drugs produced by the brain in conjunction with oxygen deprivation! One of those people is little Colton Burpo who when his appendix burst, he experienced the life-threatening condition called peritonitis which happens when fecal matter is introduced into the peritoneum and contaminates this area. Now some people can be medically managed for awhile even with a burst appendix, but God allowed his beloved follower’s child Colton, to almost die from this condition to further prove to the rest of us that He is willing to kill as many people as possible to prove that He truly ‘loves’ us! Makes sense to me! Funny thing. If I was a Pastor, as Todd Burpo is, and this happened to my child, I would be asking why he had to Job MY ass as a proof to His existence. 

Well, the Burpo Clan appeared on Fox TV last year to introduce the adoring public to their Heaven sent son Colton whose appendix burst when he was four years old and during surgery, Colton reported that he had traveled to Heaven. Now science has amply described the chemicals that convince the brain that it is disembodied during the process of dying, but some just can’t shake the need to feel ‘special’ as a race and have to continually invent another explanation beyond ‘we are a kernel of corn in the universe of trillions of planets.’The science of today has efficiently debunked the accepted fallacies of religion and the adherents are well aware of this and desperately trying to salvage a grain of credibility. We sensible people know that the testimony of a four year old high on endorphins and other neurochemicals is probably the LEAST credible source of information following a near-death experience that there ever could be. 

Fox News and the Christian publications responsible for his story are, of course, going to attribute Colton’s experience to God because these are the ‘smart dumb people’ described by Bill Maher that hold degrees yet defer to completely unfounded drivel attributed to a totally fallacious entity. These people are willing to walk up to the most brilliant scientists of our time and ‘witness’ to him/her about the beauty of being a mindless follower of a completely psychotic master who kills those that step out of line; sounds like Hitler’s followers to me! 

Todd Burpo is the pastor of Crossroads Weslyan Church in Imperial, Nebraska, a bastion of science and reason of course! The hacks at Fox News and Network are using this story to supplant the ridiculous ‘Left Behind’ and ‘Fireproof’ bullshit of the evangelical fool Kirk Cameron. Now here is a guy who just cannot accept science OR his insignificance in the universe. Kirk rails against the incredible proof against his fallacy religion in an effort to keep his psychotic man-made GOD in power as the bulk of us start to reject ‘HIM.’ Most Catholics do not believe, there are huge secular movements growing within the psychotic bullshit of Islam that are undermining faith, thankfully! This Burpo story is just another old white guy’s last ditch effort in trying to keep the young from jumping ship! I just thank ‘GOD’ that people are so stupid and are such followers that they buy this stupid book and will patronize the equally unbelievable movie filled with special effects and ‘feel good’ platitudes put forth by millionaire actors who are doing this movie only because it will give them a millionaire paycheck! Boy this shit makes me feel good! Also, Colton’s version of Jesus fits the fake bullshit anglicized one that white people are easily plied with in that He has blue eyes and DOESN’T look like terrorist Jesus from the Middle East where he ACTUALLY came from!

Colton also has visions of his parents doing totally unreal things such as talking to parishioners on the phone and such! Why would a PASTOR do such a thing? Only a vision from the Almighty would cue him into that image! Throughout this book, there are such complete bullshit references to things that ‘He couldn’t have known’ that I had knowledge of because I listened to things that I shouldn’t have from the top of the stairs. This is an obvious abuse of pastoral privilege parlayed into a bestseller that most have ever seen and the father should be ashamed. Maybe if I believed in a god of genocide, infanticide, ethnic cleansing and drunken philandering, then I would feel comfortable with exploiting my own son as Todd Burpo has obviously done his. I will not see this travesty of a movie and have not read the book that spawned this commercial nightmare!

Please do not boycott this book or movie because of my review, but I, for one, will not be in attendance of the movie or the book or the other bullshit that will follow this crap pile!   


 Maybe he’s looking for a good deli in Imperial, Neb. It should be easy to get extra mustard for the corned beef, because Colton said he has “a smile that lights up the heavens.” Good dental care in paradise? Check. That’s not the best part though. The Burpos have evidence that Colton really did see some unexplainable shit. His father told Gretchen that while in surgery, Colton saw his father in a small room talking to God and his mother on the phone. OMFG! Only a miraculous revelation could have revealed to a pastor’s son an image of his father fuckin’ praying and his mother on the phone with parishioners. Are these people daft? Is that what passes for evidence in churches in Nebraska? No wonder ID is making inroads in churches…

That’s not all. Colton was able to discuss his mother’s miscarriage, which he knew nothing about, and to relay stories about his great-grandfather’s relationship with Todd, a relationship that Todd Burpo described as “close.” No way in hell a father tells his son about his relationship with “Pop.” Nope. That had to be info only available on the streets of gold. And mom’s miscarriage? I’m sure Colton never heard that information in church. Nope. No prayer circles or gossip in Wesleyan churches in small towns in the American heartland when the Cornhuskers are still in the midst of sucking. Nope. Pure miracle.

Sorry, this gets better. Colton tells Gretchen that God, who is a “very, very big person,” can “actually fit the entire world into his hands.” In the immortal words of Hank Moody: “Fuck me in the face.” Seriously? This is what happens when your kid sings one too many verses of He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands or watches Con Air too many times on TNT. It’s also possible that, in that great evangelical tradition, he’s been taught to flatten metaphors. Watch the video on YouTube to see Todd and Gretchen try to figure out what facial expression to wear while little Colton is laying on the shit so mechanically it’s obvious he’s rehearsed it a gozillion times. Great tv. Thank you, Fox & Friends, and thank you, Thomas Nelson. Do I need to throw in that this book is a bestseller on Amazon? Sigh.


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