Story: Noah’s Ark
Source: Christian Bible
Genre: Fucking Total Fictitious Bullshit
Noah’s Ark is the biblical tale often relayed to children about a great flood that befell mankind when God threw the ultimate temper tantrum and decided to murder almost everyone on the planet. During the warning period, God came to a drunk by the name of Noah and explained very casually that he planned to massacre the human race and that he wanted Noah to build a boat to save a few people and animals. Noah, of course, being the upstanding fucker that he was, received the batshit crazy news great calm and relayed it to his family who did not seem to have a problem with The Lord going apeshit and flooding the world. According to Noah, God told him to build an ark that would be about half the size of the Titanic that would hold a group of people the size of an basketball team and a shitload of animals meant to repopulate the world after the flood waters had receded.
Now if you use the Egyptian Royal Cubit the ark would be 520ft long x 86ft wide and 52 ft high. The flood itself lasted approximately 5 mos. and with the people on board and all of the animals, I am so fucking sure that the provisions were adequate! BULLSHIT!! The flood waters took another 2 months to recede significantly and this is when Noah went back to drinking himself into a stupor and fucking relatives to repopulate the God-ravaged Earth, which, by the way, the Hebrews believed was flat at the time! The important thing here is to learn to absolutely trust a bunch of deluded religious fucks who didn’t even have the instrumentation to know that the Earth was round!
Anyway, God fucks Earth and humanity. Ark sets aground. Noah fucks family members! Genocide AND incest all rolled into one book of the Bible! SWEET!! I say that the best thing to do here is to keep selling this swill to little kids minus all of the pertinent barbaric acts of God and put it all into a cool pop-up picture book for mom to read to them before bedtime! That’ll teach ’em some kind of fucking morality! After all, you can’t possibly know right from wrong without the will of God, now can you?