Class Dismissed
Okay, so this rant is titled Evolution. What exactly are you expecting? A discussion that’s scientific in nature?
Fuck no.
I’m not a scientist. I have zero qualifications to lecture or debate the science backing up the Big Bang and origin of life or evolution and origin of species. (I never liked science anyway. I barely passed chemistry and the only part of biology class that I enjoyed was the discussion of vaginas.)
I hold no deep interest in the science behind the origin of life or the origin of species as neither is relevant to me or my worldview in the first place. And as such I refuse to make it a debating point with Christians.
But by and large, my fellow non-believers insist on going the other way with it – which is quite possibly the dumbest move the anti-theism cause can make. No one is saying that the science behind these truths shouldn’t be defended, but there’s a big difference between defending truth and making science the cornerstone of non-belief.
And so this is where I break from the pack. I’ll be hated for this, but I’m right, they’re wrong.
I don’t care about evolution as a science because it has absolutely no bearing on what I do or don’t believe as it pertains to god.
Evolution is NOT the cornerstone of atheism, and at the end of the day I don’t give a flying fuck whether it’s valid or not.
Understand that I’m not saying that evolution is false in any way. In fact, I’ll happily stipulate that evolution is not just a theory but also that it’s a fact. While science is a process that never really ends, I consider the big picture of evolution a settled matter. However, I’ll just as easily dismiss its truth as a “nice to have” in the grand scheme of life’s great mysteries. What-the-fuck-ever. I’m perfectly fine with the mystery. But if the topic alone gets you hard, then by all means immerse yourself in the details and jerk off until you bleed.
All I’m saying is that I don’t care and that it has no bearing on whether or not any god exists. Simply stated, even if evolution were proved false, it would give absolutely no credence to (or validate) creationism or the existence of any god.
The Big Bang and evolution are wonderful topics to study and debate. Just don’t lay them as bricks in the foundation of disbelief. Remember, there are many theists who accept evolution as truth.
Attack of the Killer Dumbatoes
We attack disease because we fear suffering and death. We attack crime because we fear mayhem. We attack fire because we fear destruction. We even attack harmless bugs because, well, they just annoy us.
Christians attack any generally accepted fact or theory if its potential truth threatens what they believe to be true and therefore their intellect.
If you’re a Christian you might be thinking…
“Well, you’re attacking Christianity right now, aren’t you? You’re attempting to debunk many Christian beliefs right on this website. Are you afraid of the truth?”
First, I’m not attacking Christianity. I’m attacking all religious beliefs. Please, get it right. Admittedly I focus on Christianity because I believe its followers are by far the worst offenders of proselytization, but I do believe that all religions are based on ancient mythologies and fueled by delusion, gullibility, and fear.
Secondly, yes, I absolutely do attempt to debunk specific beliefs that I see as bordering on sheer lunacy. However, my goal is NOT to convert anyone. If you believe in and fear a god, any god, I want you exactly as you are – although do I wish your reading comprehension was a little better. Re-read Meet the Bastard and pay close attention. I explained in crystal clear language why this website exists.
Cheap Table Tricks
Even if only on a subconscious level, evangelical Christians are scared senseless of the mere possibility that evolution, for example, might irrefutably explain how we came to be. The truth of evolution would be devastating to creationists on so many levels.
Let’s pretend that I formulated a viable theory proving that Mickey Mouse single-handedly built the Great Wall of China. Would you waste even a minute of your time trying to disprove it? Of course not.
Now ask yourself why.
Evangelical Christians vomit forth a myriad of reasons why evolution must be disproved, but know this: it is only out of fear. Their true motivation has absolutely nothing to do with winning souls over for Christ or defending the faith or any other bullshit rationalization. They do so only to protect their intellect and stave off feelings in insecurity, delusion, and looking foolish before a world of non-believers.
If Christians had an ounce of pure faith in what they claim to believe is true (i.e. god’s act of creation), then they’d ignore evolution as just another stupid, baseless theory – just like my theory about Mickey Mouse and The Great Wall of China. If they’re right about evolution, then the two theories are on a par, carry the same weight, and they’re are equally harmless and a total non-threat to their theology. Period.
But humor me. Ask any evangelical Christian what they think about Mickey and the Wall. Seriously. Watch them roll their eyes and walk away without a word of rebuttal. I find it interesting how they don’t respond consistently to theories they claim are without merit.
Oh, they might argue that it’s their duty to defend the faith…blah, blah, blah. But that’s pure bullshit. I don’t think the all-powerful and all-knowing Wizard of Odd really needs these fallible humans to make his case for him. Remember, Christians claim (in the same breath no less) that the proof of god’s existence is patently obvious (even to a child) from the amazing design and order of the universe alone. But all that proof suddenly falls victim to their deep insecurities of looking foolish (should they be wrong) when someone like me questions their sanity.
Just a little consistency, please. That’s all I ask.
Who Really Cares?
I’ll probably catch some grief from my fellow atheists who enjoy the study of evolution and the debate that ensues, but I must air a big fucking pet peeve of mine.
I really don’t give a rat’s ass about evolution as it has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on my beliefs or lack thereof. I’m not an atheist because of evolution, and I wouldn’t become a believer if it was disproved concretely and absolutely.
Likewise, I wish my fellow atheists would stop focusing so much on the topic and using it to bolster the case against god because there’s really no need for it. In fact, making it an arguing point (and defending it) works against us, not because evolutionary theory is weak (in my opinion it’s not), but because it gives credence to their assertion that evolution is the sacred cornerstone of our disbelief. And if that’s true, then falsifying evolution would give credence to their assertion that their god exists and that he created human life in its existing form.
We all know how it went down…
BEFORE AFTER
Fuck. I hate disclaimers. Yes, I know man didn’t evolve from ape. I understand common ancestor. It’s just a joke.
But really. Who gives a shit? There’s no need to defend evolution to anyone let alone some panicky bible-thumper. Let them wallow in their delusion, but let them do so in silence.
Want to shut down evangelizing Christians when they start in with all the anti-evolution talk? It’s easy. Give them NOTHING to talk about. Trust me, it works like a charm.
What follows is my standard lecture in my words. Feel free to steal it as is or find a presentation using the words and manner of your own style. As long as you stick to the general idea it gives them nowhere to go with it.
Talking the Wind Out of Their Sails
To quote Christian apologist and convicted felon Kent Hovind: “Beer is sold at football games. Beer has NOTHING to do with football.” (Hey, even delusional criminals can occasionally speak the truth.)
Similarly, evolution is a theory held by most (and virtually all) atheists – but evolution still has NOTHING to do with atheism.
In my opinion, the only people who really care about evolution are Christians. And they should care about it. A lot. The truth of it pisses all over their god parade and shits on the bible rendering it inerrant. Please, for the love of fuck, let them be the only ones clamoring about it. Ignore them. Evolution doesn’t need to be defended because religiously deluded people rail against it. Let them rail. It’s like me calling your mama a whore. Would you refute my claim or ignore me?
Atheism is intrinsically linked to religion. Evolution (be it valid or invalid) is intrinsically linked to science. But fundamentalist Christians love to mingle the two simply because they have to. From a defensive position they must.
If all atheists were suddenly stranded on a remote island and all they had to eat were apples (everything else on the island would make them violently ill), would you fairly and reasonably conclude that the only thing atheists eat are apples? Of course not. All you could conclude is that apples were the only viable option for human consumption at the moment, irrespective of belief. Even in a stretch, this is where the link between atheism and apples starts and ends. Period.
Pay close attention: Atheists reject all notions of god, and if that’s true then allpossible creation accounts (remember, every religion has one) are pure fiction. This leaves ONLY ONE VIABLE OPTION on the table, and that’s EVOLUTION. Got it? That’s where the link between atheism and evolution starts and ends. The two are joined incidentally by the absence of other viable options, per their worldview.
When another plausible explanation surfaces, atheists will then be put to a decision between evolution and something else.
The True Christian Motive
If evolution is true then the Genesis creation account is false. If the creation account is false then the bible is errant. If the bible is errant…GAME OVER! Simple as that, and there’s no getting around it.
Fundamentalist Christians cannot allow evolution to be valid, so any lie to discredit it is permitted and even encouraged to further that end. I acknowledge that in their hearts they believe that evolution is false. But an intellectually honest Christian (when you find one) will confess to their intentional deceptions (plural) or their LACK OF AUTHORITATIVE KNOWLEDGE in the discrediting of evolution under the hypocritical rationalization that they’re trying to save souls. (So much for Exodus 20:16.)
You’ll find just one of many stunning Christian acknowledgments here:
“While there are ministries and individuals who purposefully suppress the truth and present fallacious information, this kind of behavior is extremely evil and antithetical to biblical Christianity.”
I acknowledge that there are many Christians (and other theists) who do accept evolution as fact and take the position that the earth is much older than 6,000 years. They have resolved in their hearts and minds that god guided evolutionary processes to give us all forms of life as we know them.
But because I’m a realistic guy and look for a win wherever I can find one, I’m content with their position as it trashes the Genesis account and thus invalidates the bible. I’m a happy guy any time I can get a Christian (or Jew) to admit that the bible is errant, or that perhaps it contains stories that were authored to explain the world around us (or to teach a higher concept) based on the knowledge of the times.
The Coup de Grace
Evolution could be true or false and it would have absolutely ZERO IMPACT on my belief system. There is no god regardless of the validity of evolutionary theory. Why? Again, because evolution has absolutely NOTHING to do with atheism. Errancy in evolution would just make it just another one of man’s many faulty theories. Big deal.
So to Christians I say, if it will make you feel better and more secure about what you believe, then I’ll stipulate it for you…[clearing throat]…
EVOLUTION IS FALSE IN EVERY SINGLE WAY AND IT DOES NOT ACCOUNT FOR HOW HUMANS CAME TO BE.
Feel better now, babydoll? Good.
Oh, and psssst…[whispering]…there’s still no god.
Next topic please.
One Last Thing To Ponder
Seems to me that Christians are the most insecure of all theists. They can’t walk from Point A to Point B without trying to convince someone that their beliefs are true. And they’re forever playing the part of the perennial victim.
Christians represent the VAST majority of the theological makeup of the United States, yet they claim to be the persecuted ones. WTF?
Check the statistics here. Apparently, the majority (76% of our nearly 308 million citizens) are on the run from the bottom 8% who don’t believe. Quick, someone call the War Crimes Commission! The scant few of us are about to march all 224.5 million of them into the ovens. We just killed their all-powerful god!
Consider this sobering fact: the fucking Hare Krishnas don’t even proselytize anymore. I mean, really. They wrote the god damn book on shoving religious shit in everyone’s face. When’s the last time you saw one handing out pamphlets at the airport? 1978? Maybe.
There are approximately ONE BILLION practicing Hindus on the planet. This accounts for nearly ONE SEVENTH OF HUMANITY. But even if it were only one tenth of humanity, this staggering number of people believe that that Brahma created the universe, and their creation story is in complete conflict with the Judeo-Christian account. And know that every Christian on the planet thinks these people are delusional, 100% wacko, thoroughly misguided.
How often do you see or hear Hindus trying to prove that their creation story is true? And when was the last time you heard or saw a Hindu proselytize? To both of these questions, the answer is probably never. It’s clear to me that Hindus, by and large, are far more secure in their beliefs and unabashedly more faithful than Christians.
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