Jesus and football

Greetings on this awesome football day and may the god that I totally fucking believe in bless His Holy God day; I am wearing my magical underwear in case there are those of you who are masturbating right now, so feel free to wank it and slap a dude on the butt!

But hey Seattle fans, Wilson is totally fucking this game up and is putting jizz on the Seahawk’s face!! Jesus must hate these bastards because they are doing worse than a pedophile in general pops! All the Cheese heads have to do is run a schlong right up into the SH ass and totally fuck ’em at this point! Goddamn you Lord for letting Green Bay fuck our boys, if you were a benevolent deity you would let Aaron Rodgers slip on the field onto a stray shampoo bottle and incur an accidental anal tear, but you can’t can you? Because you are a mythological mind fuck, aren’t you? You Jesussy fucktool!

I’m praying to Zeus for the next game you impotent fuckstick, because you fucked me on the lottery numbers AND the Seahawks winning! I hope someone jams a football into your immaculate hooha sideways to teach you a lesson about who pays your fucking paycheck asshole! Many more fuck ups like this one and we will go elsewhere for our feel-good mindfuck mythology session! You are on notice little long-haired cross-carrying mister! Next loss is your omnipotent ASS on a pike fucker! Dig it! Now get your fucking ass back in the game and take one for the team! Oh, almost forgot…Amen!

 

More Men…and the pope!

When I joined the Mormon church I thought it meant More Men!-The Village Priest. That wuz funny…not! Sorry, bloggin’ by the light of the flourescent candle here. Helpin’ with the demise of the wonder of ‘God’s glory, the human eye, which could’nt have possibly come of several million years of evolution! You say GOD?! I say, “If GOD wuz SOOoo great then why didn’t I get Predator vision? HMMMM? I want infra red, thermal and spectral analyzing capabilities! I want to be able to hunt Gary Busey in a freezing meat locker and do battle with Danny Glover! This is too much to ask I guess, because I got stuck with perfectly mundane binocular vision. I don’t even have eyeballs that rotate in different directions like a lizard! No laser vision, heat vision, X-Ray vision, (I’d use it to sparingly invade personal privacy but I’m a man, what do you expect?), etc.
No, I haven’t had to fly off and weld the hull of a sinking ship with my heat vision. I’m stuck listening to the prattlings of reformed but still useless unemployed drug addicts showing me cell phone pics of rocks that are in the shape of Jesus, (look! you can see where he shat himself!!). It’s a miracle! Fucker won’t give you a Goddamned job but he’s free flowing with the miracle snow globes and Buddy Christ dashboard statues! Go figure. I guess that if I were a toothless idiot with an I.Q of 60 then I too, would be impressed with cheap parlor tricks. Lord? I pray…please saw this lady in the box in half and parade her corpse around the room! If you do this I will forever be your humble servant! NEXT!!
Goal for today: Punch the Pope in his fucking eye for being a little quitter bitch! What was his real name? John Ratzenberger? So does that mean he hangs out with Cardinal Normie and Father Woody? Well, he retired today and as of 8PM Central Asshole time he officially retreated to Birchegaden to Hitler’s Eagle’s Nest to restart the Third Reich! Being an evil pedophile, I’m sure he is more than man for the job! Be sure to stock up heavily on those Hugo Boss SS uniforms, the athletic fitting ones of course, and Reisen, lots of Storck Chocolate Reisen! One cannot say that the ex-pope is a man without reisen!
For those of you who care, Princess Kate is soon to make that slobbering slope-browed, weak-chinned peice of effeminate ragweed Prince Charles a grandfather! Prince Harry on the other hand is unfortunately going to continue to just fuck himself! Also in important news, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West ARE actually Satan, those of you lemmings that follow the show have already inadvertantly sold your souls. Sorry! Too late! We have a no return policy and all sales are fucking final so PISS OFF!!

So this post has a rather weak content, no real purpose! Good! I at least feel better! And thats what really counts! Remember folks, it’s not about you..it’s about me! Always me!! So before I digress into constructing Mohammed bobble-heads or statues of Bhudda made out of my own shit, let me end this post with one last thing. Releasing yourself from the yoke of religion is like eating an entire pan of Ex Lax brownies; you may shit your brains out at first, but when it’s all over you feel so much cleaner inside!

Of theists and anti-theists!

Good morrow kind readers! I know that my posts haven’t been very prolific in the last month, I was busy eating babies and performing all of the other rituals that people expect us ungodly atheists to be performing! So far ‘Our Lord Satan’ hasn’t done shit for my lottery numbers OR given me the clairvoyance to find the Death Star plans! But that shit aside, let me run down this weeks reasons for my being a strong anti-theist. This position is held by those of us in the atheist community who DO NOT wish that god was real! We are the ones that feel that a 24/7 cosmic overlord is actually a BAD thing and do NOT want a kindly old grandfather in a white robe to be able to see us as we are masturbating! We have a Pope for that! Anyway, the reasons!

First there is the 20 year old who is fulfilling ‘God’s Plan’ and dealing with an aggressive form of M.S and will never see a 30th birthday!, Second there is the two children 4 and 2yrs old who’s mom went off the road and was killed leaving the 4 yr old to rescue the 2 yr old. After the horriffic accident and having to climb over their mother’s dead corpse, two fishermen discovered them huddled underneath a blanket close to the car and took them to a hospital. Of course assholes had to write in that it was ‘God’s Will’ that brought the fishermen to the aid of the kids! Really?! Thank ‘Our Lord’ that he couldn’t be bothered to begin with NOT letting 2 little kids endure that horror! Thanks be to god! Also, third, the Kartrashians are still alive! Is this not evidence of the absence of a merciful god? Four, Honey BooBoo! Five, thousands of innocent children still suffer in the world while an imaginary god grants us free will to kill them! These are just a few reasons, more will surely follow!

Some people are just fucked in the brain pan! Yes an almighty being sent forth ‘His’ followers to write a book in several languages that would become dead forcing scholars paid by kings to interpret it as well as they could while deleting any references injurious to the present king’s rule! Sounds like a being that knows all and sees all!

As I write this blog I will include certain arguements against deism just as info to those who read so that when they are attacked by zealots they can cite facts and logical conclusion contained within these writings. I will include more in-depth references as the blog goes on and try to provide a witty delivery to make the slice even deeper! Why do I have a boner for religion do you ask? Why are us atheists SO angry? Answer: I’m not! I am just providing something for those in MY community, something that they can use to strengthen their position against the media machine that drives organized religion. Also, I believe that religion NEEDS to be approached with aggression due to it’s infectious nature and because of the lies that it spreads. I live in a small town where if you actually are brave enough to say that you don’t believe in god then you had better be prepared for a bunch of ‘are you insane!’ looks and a disbelief that you could actually put such blasphemy into words!

The great writer Christopher Hitchens once said, “That which can be asserted without proof can be dismissed without proof.” So if you use that logic as I most certainly do, then you can look a theist in the face and say, “Why should I have to prove to YOU that I am right when you can’t cite ONE SHRED of evidence for YOUR beliefs.” This can be said with absolute conviction as it is patently ridiculous for anyone to attempt to cite proof of biblical happenstance! There is none and no scientist worth a degree in his/her field will back ‘scientific’ evidence proving religious claims. The very fact that a sane stable person can believe in bronze age mythology just because it was told to them by their parents attests to the lemming-like nature of most of humanity. I didn’t believe that Jesus walked on water when I was 11 years old and I was an undereducated mook who threw rocks at windows for fun! It totally boggles my mind that there are people out there with degrees in science that believe in god!

Besides not believing in god, I am also an anti-theist. I have no wish for the stories of the bible to be true or for a cosmic deity to have watch over me 24/7;it’s creepy! I DO believe that agnostics are just atheists without balls, as John Stewart puts it. I feel sorry for atheists who say that they wish it were true and that they could believe in god! I wish that I had a better understanding of the process of human life and also wish I had more than my allotted years, but not on the condition that I am guided by any of the gods that men on this Earth have created! These gods are the ridiculous creations of feeble-minded tribesmen trying to control their fellow humans and they did a piss-poor job of most of it if you are not a lemming who believes every fairy tale that you are told!

If you were to raise two human beings in a vaacum of knowledge and tell them that everything that you give them to read was absolute truth, then you could give one the bible and one a copy of Grimm’s Fairy Tales and they would not be able to tell the fairy stories from the OTHER fairy stories! Well, thats my post for today. I will try not to leave such a time gap between posts. Now I am off to either pull my pud or go to church, I just can’t tell which one is more of a waste of my time! Peace!!